


Human Thanksgiving

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [9]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, grunt automatically hates pyjaks because he's pure krogan, human thanksgiving, pyjaks, teen audiences bc swearing, the council is useless as always, this could be considered a really weird date between shepard and garrus, turians finding humans annoying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21776665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: “Monkeys infiltrate the Citadel and Garrus is forced to implement C-Sec’s ‘Human Thanksgiving’ rule to try to drive them out. His own will to be taken seriously stands in the way”
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Series: Given Prompts [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599073
Kudos: 16





	Human Thanksgiving

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a series of ficlets inspired by strange prompts from my sister.

Emily Wong appeared on the news. "I’m Emily Wong. This just in: A large group of pyjaks have breached Citadel security and are infesting the Presidium at this time. They appear to be making their way to the Wards, according to recent reports. At this time, evacuation measures are in progress and C-Sec has closed off access to the Citadel until further notice."

"What?" Shepard asked.

"Those damn Pyjaks!" Grunt slammed his fist into his palm. 

"Spirits," Garrus walked over to the monitor, his mandibles flaring. "Are my eyes seeing correctly? Did pyjaks overtake C-Sec?"

"This has to be a distraction of some kind," Shepard said.

"Maybe so. But whatever it is," Garrus glanced at Shepard, "It can't continue. We can't have the Citadel compromised. It's too dangerous for everyone involved."

"I'll see if the Council can let us in," Shepard said.

"Good plan. In the meantime, I think I still have some of my old C-sec contacts in here. I'll try to get updates from them." Garrus checked his omni-tool and sifted through his contacts. "Ridgefield?" he lifted his wrist to his mouth. "Are you okay? How's it looking over there? That does sound bad. Where are they coming from? Okay well, have you implemented Human Thanksgiving yet? What do you mean you've never... Or does it go by something else now? It's where... Okay, nevermind. I'll try to get over there. Keep me posted, okay?”

Shepard glanced at him with a smirk as he ended the call. "What’s this about a ‘Human Thanksgiving?’" she asked. 

"When I worked in C-Sec we had a rule for organic invasions by that name. We were supposed to lay out a variety of foods in order to lure them all into one spot for an easier capture." He shrugged. "Turians coined this term a little after the First Contact War, so... I’m guessing we were probably still a little mad at you guys."

"I can see that. But instead of spending all that effort luring them, can't you just... I don't know, shoot them, or at the very least, tranquilize them?” 

"No, C-Sec has a law that insists on approaching invasive organics peacefully, so the first step of order would be something along the lines of Human Thanksgiving. If that doesn't work, then different measures are allowed. This rule was mostly put in place way back in the day to prevent the Keepers from getting harmed."

"That's a stupid rule," Grunt said.

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Garrus replied.

"In my cycle, we didn't have such breachable security, nor did we prioritize vermin above citizens," Javik said.

"Captain Anderson has given me access," Shepard checked her omni-tool, "So we can go. You ready, Garrus?"

"Well, this should be fun," Garrus said. 

“Take me with you,” Grunt said. “I’d love to unleash hell on those pyjaks.”

“Sure, but just remember, we’re approaching them peacefully,” Shepard said, “With lots of Thanksgiving food, apparently.” 

Garrus shook his head. “This is why I left C-Sec.” 

The Normandy arrived at the Citadel’s docking bay. 

“I’ve never seen C-Sec so empty,” Garrus remarked when walking through the empty security point. “Those pyjaks really must have done a number on this place. I wonder how many of them there are.” 

A nearby window view showed the Presidium swarming with pyjaks. Garrus rounded the corner and saw a turian C-Sec officer frantically speaking into her omni-tool. 

“Spirits, reinforcements!” the officer said, glancing up at Shepard and her teammates. 

“Not really. We’re all you’ve got right now,” Shepard said.

“I’m Garrus Vakarian, and I’m a former C-Sec Investigations officer. Can you tell me what happened here? How did all of this start?” Garrus asked. 

“Honestly? Your guess is as good as mine. They just kept flooding in from somewhere, and they’ve outnumbered us long ago. There’s no single memo going around on what to do. Evacuations have been halted by the Council and it’s just getting worse.”

“Okay, um,” Garrus scratched his head, looking at the floor in thought. “Can you see how many C-Sec officers you can bring over here? I'm hoping we can discuss a plan.”

“Hmm, are you sure you’ve got all the ingredients?” Shepard smiled and nudged him. 

“Shepard, please,” Garrus said through gritted teeth.

When a small group of C-Sec officers gathered on the upper floor, Garrus noticed he did not recognize the vast majority of them. 

“Okay, can you tell me what’s been done so far?” he asked.

“Authorities are divided between trapping the pyjaks and using violence,” an officer said. “There seems to be some obsolete law that prevents us from taking any kind of action against organics in the Citadel. We’re still waiting for the Council to tell us our next step.”

“Right.” Garrus took a deep sigh and cradled his forehead. “So that’s still a thing.”

“Wait, so you’re telling me that the Council is holding a meeting for _this_?” Shepard asked. “Unbelievable.”

“I guess we’re going to have to take matters into our own hands. This trapping plan. Does it… Go by a specific name, perhaps?” Garrus asked in a small voice.

“No?”

Garrus sighed and began to pace as Shepard stifled a smirk. “Okay, so as some of you may already know, I used to work at C-Sec and I know of a plan that could help rid the Citadel of the pyjaks. But we all have to be in on this. I was told about this very old rule... Where we basically implement a peaceful approach by luring in the Pyjaks with food, and then once they’re all in one place, we can trap them. It’s, um,” Garrus hesitated, “Back in my day they called it ‘Human Thanksgiving,’ if that rings a bell.”

“Is this guy for real?” one of the human officers turned to another. 

“I assure you that’s the exact information I was given. I wasn’t even in C-Sec that long ago, how come none of you got the memo… Anyway, since the organic protection rule is still in place, I know it’s what we need to try first,” Garrus said. 

Some of the officers murmured in reluctant assent. 

“And if it doesn’t work?” a turian officer asked.

“Then I think you can use any means to take them down. If violence is seriously still prohibited at that point, I’ll take responsibility for it. Any questions or concerns before we start?” 

“Yeah, what the hell?” an officer asked.

“We just went over this,” Garrus said. 

“Just… This seems like the stupidest idea,” an officer said. 

“I agree. I wish we didn’t have to do it.”

“Are you sure you used to work in C-Sec? How did you get anything done?” 

“Spirits, why in the world…” Garrus sputtered.

“Look,” Shepard said. “As his commander, I can verify that Garrus hates the idea of Human Thanksgiving more than anybody. I know how long he’s spent looking for loopholes. But he’s doing this for your sakes. He’s so willing to restore order to the Citadel that he'll even stake his reputation on it, so I think you should treat him with more respect. Let’s move out. See if you can find a kitchen nearby and assemble all the levo-based food you can. Grunt, go clear the way if you have to. Don’t kill anything.” 

“Finally, some action!” Grunt shouted, leading the group into the Presidium. 

“Thank you, Shepard,” Garrus murmured, nodding at her.

“Anytime. They’re lucky to be under your leadership. And I’m glad I brought Grunt along, too,” Shepard glanced at Grunt shouting in the distance while charging into clusters of pyjaks and sending them flying.

* * *

“The Citadel is now free from pyjaks, thanks to the suggestions of former C-Sec officer Garrus Vakarian,” Emily Wong announced. “He implemented a protocol he referred to as Human Thanksgiving, which involved peacefully removing them from the vicinity.” 

“She didn’t mention that it’s a C-Sec tradition...” Garrus said weakly, his mandibles flaring.

“Hey, it’s over now. I think if anything, you’ll be recognized as a hero,” Shepard hugged his arm. 

“You know what I dislike even more about that,” Garrus said, “Is that they didn’t give you proper credit. If you hadn’t intervened, this place would be in ruins. I don’t know if I would have prioritized saving the Citadel in the face of everything else.” 

“Garrus, that’s sweet. But I’d say most of the credit goes to you. You wanted to come here, and it really helps to have someone with your expertise with us.” 

“Shepard,” Bailey walked over. “I’m so glad you and your crew arrived. You saved the day as usual.”

“Bailey, I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I was in the Financial District when it happened. The Council forbade all activity until they came to a consensus. And then you guys stepped in and actually got something done. And I’m glad Garrus actually did something with that old Human Thanksgiving rule. Kudos to him for making it work.”

“Oh, so you’re familiar with that term, then.”

“Yeah, it’s been in the book for a while.”

“So why hasn’t anyone else in C-Sec acknowledged it?”

Bailey rested his forearms against the railing and looked at the sight of the now-bustling Presidium. “Because it’s fucking stupid.” 


End file.
